Ever feel really weird? Like you don’t know yourself 100%? Or that you do, and things make perfect sense because of it? I always feel out of it, but not really. Certainly out of the loop, or sync with everyone else. But I made it that way, I wanted it that way. I always want to be different and weird and unique, because that’s what I realized what I was, what I always was. If I didn’t except that about myself I was going to die. I was dying everyday because of the pressure I felt from everyone and mostly myself, to be a certain way, a certain person. It was the hardest thing to realize I would never be that person and I had to let it go. I was just going to me and no one else. And I kind of liked that, but mostly it leaves me alone, and always wondering why.
To say that I am depressed, is probably an understatement. I always hid my emotions because I had no choice. I felt I always had to hide what I was really feeling, thinking, wanted, especially with my parents. They are really strict and controlling about things, especially growing up. I was never allowed to just do what I wanted and have fun. This made having friends really hard, especially understanding ones. I feel like I am living my life late, trying to make up for what everyone did already in high school. I never had that and I will never have it, and it kills me.
Don’t I deserve to have fun? Don’t I get the numerous friends in my contacts list that I can call? Nope. I have been burned a million times over by people who were so supposed to be my friends and really weren’t. I don’t care what type of person you are, when you lose someone that’s like your best friend, wouldn’t fight to get them back? I guess not and that’s why these things only happen in novels and tv specials. Friends don’t make up, not all the time.
It just sucks to me because I am a really nice person. Behind all the walls I had to build to protect myself, I am extremely shy and timid person. It takes a lot for me to comfortable with people and feel like myself. That’s why I hate when I lose friends. And I always lose them over stupid shit. I just think it’s ridiculous. Especially when I let a lot of things go. I have been stood up at the club, left waiting for hours, traveled all over the 5 boroughs, bought people Christmas presents that don’t even bother to say happy birthday to me, given away my clothes, things that I loved, made gifts, and I am one everyone comes to with their issues…. It’s just exhausting. It’s hard for me to be that way now, with just anyone. I wanna give and give and give but I can’t. I have to hold back because if I don’t, it’ll kill me.
Back to the depression thing, I know I am only by my actions. My room is always like hoarders in training, but it has been exceptionally bad as of late, til the point it’s bothering me. I don’t want to leave my room, my bed when I have a day off. There’s a lot of things I could be doing and working on but I don’t, I struggle to do things I love, other little tasks, and even reading has been taking a toll. It just gets hard. And I haven’t been the best on my hygiene. Sure I change my underwear, put on deodorant, and brush my teeth… but don’t shower. And it will go on for almost a week. When I get like this, I know it’s bad, very bad. I am very good at hiding my emotions, even from myself. I have no clue how I am feeling, there’s nothing there. In high school, I used to break down crying twice a year. I don’t even do that anymore. But it comes out in other ways. When I watch anything with people that are really happy, really sad, anyone crying, any kind of really emotional situation, I just cry. Mostly just tears, but if it’s really bad, some flat out bawling. And I have those mini breakdowns. They have no other way out.
And I think it’s really bad now because I’m alone. I’m perpetually on my own, but like seriously on my own. I don’t have a boyfriend, ever. Even when I was skinny and cute. I just honestly don’t get it. I swear I have an invisible repellent that goes out for miles. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. And my mom has been counting on grandbabies and all this crap. It annoys me, but at the same time I am really really really fucking scared. What if I never meet anyone? What will happen to me when everyone is getting married or in long term relationships and I can’t even have one last more than 3 months? I will just be left behind. I am so scared because I don’t have much to begin with. And I’m scared that the little I do have, I’m going to strangle and suffocate it until we all die.
I don’t want that to happen. I’ve lost too much too many times. I hate that I’m used to it, hate that I’m used to being on my own all the time. It makes me feel really ashamed when people say who goes to the movies by themselves? Why would someone ever go to a concert alone? I would, I do. I always do. I don’t have anyone that wants to go with me, and I realized a long time ago I can’t wait on other people to do what I want. Or else I’d never be happy. So I have to go it alone. Always having fun by myself. In a way, I like it. I can survive on my own, I know how it feels, what to do, how to do it. If it came down to it, I could to stick out. But it is the loneliest thing in the world to have no one to talk to at 3 am, or realize you haven’t talked to anyone unless you go to work, and have to keep something playing while you sleep because the silence invades your dreams. I hate that. I hate that sometimes I get so frightened to sleep for absolutely no reason. I think sometimes I am so in my own in world, in my room, that I think if I sleep, I will finally disappear. Or just that I will stop, I’ll just won’t wake up.
I get scared all the time that I will never find anyone, get married, have children. It somewhat kills me to thing I will never have children. It something I really want one day. I dream of my baby girl and baby boy. How beautiful they’d be, chubby cheeks, and they would love me. I would have amazing kids to raise to love so much, to watch grow and become someone. And I would have my husband by my side. A love that’s beyond forever. But I had to give up on fairy tales and falling in love. I realized it just wouldn’t happen for me. I feel so cursed cursed cursed. I always find people at the wrong time, and things never work out. And it’s even harder when you’re a virgin and keeping it until you’re married. It scares the hell out me, and I feel like dying when I think of never having any of that. Even a chance of it. I think it would kill me to never have children.
And then people tell me I’m too picky with the guys I like, I’m sorry I just don’t like any person. If I see that we are not into the same things and talking you makes me wanna smash my phone in the wall, then bye. I am sorry I am so harsh when it comes to finding someone. And I found this guy that reminded me of what I want in a guy, I realize why. This guy was amazing. He laughed at all my jokes, thinks I am hilarious, like stand up hilarious(a secret guilty pleasure career in my head), actually reads, enjoys the same tv shows I do and can actually have an in depth conversation about it. Can talk about other comedians with me and reference me stuff I actually like. Can make me sing off key Creep by Radiohead with a bunch of people I don’t know, not remotely drunk or embarrassed, on the top of our voices. I can really talked to you about my writing, in depth, like seriously. Not oh yeah sounds good. No like yeah great concept, what the characters blah blah. It made me realize what I was holding out for and what I want. That’s all I want. And that you’re tall, jk, nah but really, lol.
Anyway, haven’t done this in a long long time and figured it was overdue. I needed to just vent. I always do this just for me and no one else. I don’t care who reads it because maybe someone else is going through the same things I am. I want you to know you are not alone, because I know I really do feel that way. All the time. I feel like I know what I want and what I have to do, but I am just letting myself die. I am choking myself with the dreams I want and am stopping myself from chasing them. And I really hate it, I hate that I do that so damn much. But I don’t know how to fix that. I have been broken for a long time. I just seem fine, but I know how far the darkness goes. My mind was a tortuous place for me at one point in my life, still is, I just learned to live with it.
Writing this pulled on a lot of things deep in my gut, making me tear up, and taking everything just to finish. But I have, I just have to. I am trying really hard to see beyond the darkness, but it just gets so foggy, and sleep is the only cure I know. Others see the sunlight for me, and it’s the only thing somewhat keeping me going. Haven’t invited hope into my life for a long time, but I think I have to.
And here’s this song by Kimbra if this post makes you wanna kill yourself, or just me 😀 She covers Snow White’s I’m Wishing. This song is so perfect and makes me wanna cry. This is what my hopes for love are made out of.
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