Just Because

Just because I love Lana so much. I just feel like putting up random stuff about her. Now that’s she on the radio, how do you like her now? I’m so happy for her and that her career is taking off, especially after how all these assholes treated her after the SNL incident. Did people forget that bitches LIP SYNCED the entire time???!!!! I really appreciated Kristin Wigg addressing the incident the way she did and everything she said was totally true. I understood what she trying to do, and as someone who has seen her live stuff in Europe, I know she can sing. It’s a different story when it’s you’re first live American performance. It’s make or break time. It was like a friend with a lot of talent just bomb cause you know they were nervous. She was great on Letterman. Sometimes nerves just kill you but there was no way in hell she deserved that reaction. I also thank Daniel Radcliffe for sticking up for her as well. With Lana, you love her or you hate her. And I was totally in love ever since Video Games. People need to back off about her name, because you know, that’s Lady Gaga’s real name. Half the actors in Hollywood don’t even use their real name because it’s not marketable. So back off haters, you think you know shit and you really fucking don’t.

She’s my favorite pin up and she makes me wanna get weave in my hair. God her hair is always so beautiful and luxurious. So this is for all you haters out there. Lana Del Rey all day everyday, just because.

Lana-Del-Rey-3-lana-del-rey-28585863-1920-1080

Bitches I been had Summertime Sadness since last summer. But people are just catching on. Here’s the remix that’s been all over the radio. Good for you girl!:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akhmS1D2Ce4

ldr

you got that medicine I need, fame, liquor, love, give it to me slowly (of course I sing this all the time at work):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KXRhc9ksnw

lana-del-rey-456-031912

will you still love me?:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60

lana-del-rey-lovecat-2

I saved it, I waited, I called it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhRHnaLuHfw

tumblr_lxc68qb3Vu1qzy8r9

I can be your china doll if you wanna see me fall:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhuckvSkNgU

look-lana-del-rey--large-msg-132707812373

I think it’s kinda fun:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhQXE09Y-Hg

lana-del-rey-vogue-italia-video-600x450

get your crystal method on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RQsbGeqYfY

lana-del-rey2

push it to the limits cause I just don’t care:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zx_dTSPzXlk

jag_ldr_burning_desire_image_7_130213_LowRes-e1360840424407

Just a few songs that should be stuck in your head. I love singing this at work all day and no one ever knows what I’m singing. That’s totally fine with me bitches. Love ya Lana D. Rey!

The Q Awards 2011 - Press Room

The Perfect Pick Me Up

Feeling blue? Down in the dumps? Feel like slitting your wrists would be a vacation? Feeling like you wanna drown me in a bucket of my own tears after reading that last post? Never you fear, a cure is here! For the ladies at least… and some of you guys out there whose thoughts are more than appreciative when it comes to the male form. What I wouldn’t kill for some strawberries and whipped cream while I was looking up all these super fine guys. Most fun I had in weeks. And the stress just melts away as you see all these guys without their shirts on. What’s better than that than a guy in a nice suit or reading? Don’t you just love it when a man reads? So here’s a gift from me to you as an apology of how depressing I am and I’m probably gunna keep being. I figured I might as well Jenna my blog and write like no one’s reading. Which they aren’t. But if you can’t read then you might as well look at all the pretty pictures. *SIGH* Try not to molest your computer screen and I will try not to melt in a giant puddle of drool before I finish this post. Boy, don’t you just looove the internet?

No particular order, but here’s a short list of men I would never kick outta my bed:

1. GEORGE CLOONEY

gc2 gc3 gc gc1

An oldie but most certainly goodie. Hands down George Clooney is the universal crush and heart breaker of woman all around the world. He was def one the first older guys I found really attractive. No matter how much older or grayer, he is just amazingly sexy. He has a great voice, a face that would make you swoon, all he has to do is give you a look and tell you something in that rolling rumble of a voice, and it’s over. Now why can’t all older guys look like this? If they did I would sooo get me a sugar daddy. Keep it up, Clooney. We just can’t get enough.

2. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

rdj2rdj3 rdj1rdj

Now this guy is my favorite type of wine. I looove him so much more now that he’s older. I remember him in Only You with Marisa Tomei, and I thought, this is the guy she’s supposed to fall in love with? I did not find him attractive at alllll. But now, that he’s older, more defined, and has that sexy facial hair, and just sexy hair to begin with, I’m in love forever. I love him in the Iron Man movies and think he’s such a great actor and a jokester. He seems to be the one to totally make you laugh with that serious face of his, and that sexy semi spiked hair cut. He’s one guy where I prefer him older. Don’t pop that cork just yet, it might get better than you imagined. I wouldn’t be mad if he was handcuffed to my bed.

3. RYAN REYNOLDS

rr8 rr4 rr2 rr3 rr1 rr5 rr6rr7

OMG well… There was certainly no shortage of this guy half naked, and I’m soo not mad at that. I wouldn’t want him to have his shirt on half the time, well all the time, either. I fell in love with him on Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. He was always that type of funny guy and goodness gracious is this package over complete. He’s funny, beyond cute, has a body that would make any level headed swoon, and a v-cut that makes a girl wanna rip his pants off. Better start the restraining order… he’s gunna need it.

4. BRAD PITT

bp3 bp1 bp bp2

I first fell in love with this guy when I saw a rerun of Meet Joe Black on tv. I was in love with this character and his voice and just everything. He really is something and that’s when I realized, this is what people are talking about. I had no clue who Brad Pitt was and I totally got it after that movie. He def raised my awareness of how beautiful men could be in middle school. I really couldn’t watch tv and stuff and I never knew who people were talking about and finally I did and I was just like man oh man was I missing out on some godlike creatures out there. Now I knew why everyone and their grandmother where so in love with this guy. Then I finally watched FIght Club in college, (yes I know, but remember super sheltered life), and I really appreciated him in this role. Sure I’ve seen him in other movies and I totally looove the Ocean movies but these images I will never get outta my head. The part when he finishes fighting and he finally comes up all bloody and stuff but that v cut of his is what killed me. Just his stance and everything…. my friend had to tell me to breathe. And also this scene above when he comes out of the room after having sex and my goodness it was enough to give me asthma! Look at that v cut!!!!! *sigh**drool*

5. COLIN FARRELL

cf4 cf2 cf3 cf cf1

The bad boy of Hollywood and one of my crushes in high school. I loved him and I had no idea why. Besides him being the badass of the red carpet, he was the epitome of bad boys out there. But of course he cleaned up and now you can bring him home to mom. But at this point I don’t care where I get to bring him as long as he gets to go anywhere with me. I love him and that scruffy hair and has such a sexy Irish accent omg that def helps improve everything! I recently fell in love with him all over again in Ondine. Def see that movie if you want to be in love with him and never stop. He def has a humorous side and loved him in Horrible Bosses. I also loved him in Fright Night as the sexy vampire Jerry. Man, I would soo let him eat me up.

6. ALEXANDER SKARSGARD

ask6 ask ask1 ask4 ask5 ask7 ask3

I fell in love with this dude, hard. I don’t like him with long hair, I don’t why but I don’t. I love this look he has now with the long part slicked back, he looks totally sexy. There were def no shortage of half naked pics of this guy thanks to True Blood. Another great reason to watch the show. Omg that v cut!!!! As you can tell I’m such a sucker for those. I’m not into muscles like that but that v cut can drive a girl mad. Mad with desire. 😀 Besides him being incredibly damn gorgeous, he is terribly tall and I wanna weep at the great height of him. I’m such a sucker for tall guys and he makes me swoon with vertigo. Man what reason is there not to like him? He totally couldn’t get any sexier and I would let him take a bite outta me any day. I love on True Blood when he lost his memory and he went all Baby Eric. He was sooooooo adorable and sexy and omg I would have been in hog heaven just like Sookie was with this guy. I also appreciated this last scene with Eric reading naked in the snow. But he better be alright or else. Especially since next year will be its last season. This guy needs to be there!

7. BILL SKARSGARD

bs2 bs bs3 bs5 bs4 bs1

Well this is certainly one family I wouldn’t mind being apart of. Two sexy as hell, tall brothers with sexy American accents… there goes the vertigo again. As you know, I’m in love with this guy from Hemlock Grove and he is the new haunter of my dreams. He kills me on that show in how weird and crazy he can be, but then super sweet and sensitive. There’s nothing more to say because I just want this kid so bad. This is what dreams are made of… at least my dreams anyway. The only person that could give  Alexander a run for him money. Are we married yet?

8. JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

jgl4 jgl jgl3 jgl1 jgl2

*SIGH* Been in love with this kid ever since 3rd Rock from the Sun. I loved him on that show and def watched it for him. At one point I just found some stuff he did when I started to get into movies having Netflix and getting them from the library. I fell in love with grown up Joseph over watching movies like Brick, 500 Days of Summer, and The Lookout. Plus who could forget him alongside Julia Styles and the late Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You? He has always been there in the background and now he’s really the man about Hollywood. And how could you resist sucha cute face, that humor, and talent? Especially can’t wait for Don Jon which he has written, directed, and staring in. How’s that for talent? My goodness he couldn’t get anymore sexier and can’t wait for some much needed sexy time scenes in Don Jon. Plus Scarlet’s in it. Threesome? Anybody? Anybody? No? okay…….

9. JASON SEGAL

js4 js3 js js1 js2

Sure Jason’s not the most in shape guy and you won’t see him very much without his shirt on but the pics you do find don’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. And just watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall if you wanna see more of all of that. 😀 At a point I was having dreams about us being friends and then dating… and then other things. He’s a total hottie to me, and he’s tall and I just wanna hug him an squish him. And how could you not love him in Freaks and Geeks? I was like, bitch, if you don’t wanna date him, I will! Plus he’s fucking funny!!!! He just about killed me in I Love You, Man (why did no one tell me how hilarious that movie is? oh yeah I have no friends), and so happy he was the love interest in Bad Teacher, another really fucking funny movie. I love em, he’s tall, funny, squishable, made a movie with the Muppets, and just really fucking adorable. What’s not to love?

10. PAUL RUDD

pr2pr3 pr pr1

Paul Rudd my not be on your list of sexy guys but he’s totally on mine. He’s been a crush of mine since Clueless, the one movie I’d watch over and over and over. Yes, I did say I was sheltered, but I would go to my grandma’s house a lot and my cousin had the movie on tape. It def was one of my favorites that’d watch every time I’d go over there. Of course all my older cousins were boys so it was whatever they wanted to watch, was what we were watching. But they introduced to me to Clueless and many other shows and movies. Anyway, Paul kind of went away from major Hollywood, but came back older, funnier, and hotter. Now he’s one of Hollywood’s favorite funny guys doing many comedies that have failed to disappoint me. Ever charming with that lopsided grin, school boy wit, and good looks, it’s hard for me to say no to this guy. Sure he’s not the fittest and maybe more lean but I looove that. It makes me just wanna squeeze the shit of a guy when he’s like that. Also, if you’re as funny and cute as this guy, you def will see me without any clothes on… that’s if you’d want to of course.

11. GAEL GARCIA BERNAL

gcb4 gcb2 gcb3 gcb1 gcb

Soooo, def in love with this guy. One guy I would not give a shit about being short. Who gives a fuck when you look like that? He is beyond beautiful. His eyes are amazing and he has these lips that curve like Cupid himself put his bow on his lips. Man he makes me swoon forever. I fell in love with him in Motorcycle Diaries and of course career stalked him. He has a mix of spanish movies and english ones. He is Mexican and a lot of his roles are done in spanish and I would read subtitles all day just to watch him lol. I loved him in the Science of Sleep, that movie made me fall in love with him haaaaard coooore. My dream guy, all weird and confused and just wanting someone to love….*sigh* But even weird guys don’t like me so I’m sure I would’ve been overlooked. But the major love I have for this guy def over extends his height, and I’m ok with that.

12. MICHAEL PITT

mp3 mp5 mp1 mp6 mp2 mp mp4

This guy is ram packed full of talent, and incredibly good looks. I fell in love with him watching cult indie fav Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and thought this guy is crazy fucking hot. He has a type of calm deep voice, angel blonde hair, and lips that’d make cherub’s weep. I’m telling you this guy hits my radar in all the right places. I was so excited when he did something a lil more mainstream and on the reg, Boardwalk Empire. Even though I’m deeply saddened that he was killed off after two seasons, at least I got to see him play the sexy Jimmy Darmody. That quote in the pic above was talking about when he decided to be in Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Of course, I career stalked him. He did a lot indie movies and he was amazing in Last Days. I’m def wishing he was a reg installment on my fall Sunday nights, but we can’t have what we wish for, especially if you’re me. So, reruns will have to tide me over with this hottie.

13. CHRIS HEMSWORTH

chris5 chris4 chris3 chris chris1 chris2

This is one really fucking hot Australian. My goodness is he so fucking gorgeous!!!! I had failed to see Thor in theaters but one day, Netflix had made it instant and I was like sure lemme watch because he’s going to be in The Avengers and I sure as fuck was going to see that. My goodness, why did no one with a remote pulse ever tell me to watch this movie???!!!! He is so beautiful and blonde and full of rock hard muscles that would make any smart woman make an unintelligent noise. He is totally believable as this Norse God. He such a great booming laugh and love that scene when he smashes his china on the floor of the diner because he wanted more coffee. He has that smile that melts your heart. All those time people talk about smiles and the affect they have on you, well my goodness he is the king of those smiles. Every time he smiled that big beautiful smile, I swear I heard angel’s sing. That smile could make me do everything and anything. I love his hair long and I love it even more when he puts it back in that half bun thing, Idk why but that makes him even hotter to me. I loove looove love it!!!!!!!!! Also, his laugh his amazing along with accent. Goodness, is that not helping things in that if he were sent to kill me I would just say, yes please. I’m half way melted in that drool puddle I was talking about, time to move on. And funnily enough, I don’t find his lil bro attractive at all.

14. ARMIE HAMMER

ahs2 ah4ahs ahs1ah3

I fell in love with this guy on the show Reaper. I loved him as the Devil’s son and I could totally believe it. I was first attracted to his smile, which is amazing, and he has these teeth that poke out his smile and kinda hang on his lip like little fangs, and Idk why I notice that but I looove that about his smile. Makes me think like he has a little demon blood in him and he just is sooo sexy to me. And I’m in love with his voice, second thing that got me and totally sealed the deal. He has a really deep type of rumbling, rolling voice that signals something very deep inside and Idk it just drives me fucking nuts. I regret to not have seen the Lone Ranger in theaters but can’t wait to see him, at home, on my laptop, fuuullllll of privacy lol. I just want him to say something in my ear, bite me, laugh and let it go on from there. Steal my heart in a hot minute….*sigh*

15. CHARLIE HUNNAM

chs4 chs chs3 chs1 chs2

If anyone could steal my breath away and sell it back to me, it’s this guy. He is just so beautiful and blonde. I love his hair long or short, his muscles are insane, and that v cut………. Good Lord he is so sexy and beautiful and he’s English so omg more and more treats for us! I fell in love with him while randomly flipping channels and landed on Nicholas Nickleby. Sure I had no clue what was going on, seeing as it was half way over but there was no way in hell I was flipping the channel again. I found my heart’s heart right there and then and of course, career stalked. He has come a long way since Undeclared, career wise and hunk wise. Sure he started of a little lean and scrawny and  now basically a campaign for men to haul there asses to gym. I pretty much only watched Sons of Anarchy because of him. As soon as I found out he was in it, I was like let’s go!!! Good choice in that besides the show being really fucking awesome, you get to Charlie’s ass once or twice and man is every the thing to wish you had. Man he’s beautiful! And to all the Christian Grey, 50 Shades of Grey haters, they obviously don’t know this man. I never read the books but I’m not ignorant as to what goes on on those pages and decided to wait for the movie because whatever hottie was to be lead was worth watching naked and doing some s&m shit. Which I’m totally into. So these bitches that are mad that he’s been chosen, obviously haven’t done their homework. Well here ya go, happy now? I’m sure fucking am and can’t wait to see this man down to his all together. Yummmmmmmmmm……..

16. RYAN GOSLING

rgs4 rgs5 rgs6 rgs1 rgs3 rgs2 rgs

My favorite baby goose. Man am I ever in love with this one. So in love, that one of my guy friends is always telling me I hope you find your Ryan Gosling in life. This guy could do, possibly, anything he wants when it comes to me. And I bet most other woman. I know he was their first choice for Christian Grey but I totally understand and completely respect his decision. I ain’t mad, not when Charlie Hunnam’s replacing him, no sir. I always heard of this guy and how great an actor he was and blah blah but never seen him or anything he was in. I’m weird and I don’t like doing what other people do or following them, and if everyone is into someone I try not to intentionally be into him. But this guy popped up on me and it was loove looove loooooove. Thank you IFC channel! I was watching the movie Stay, which has Ewan McGregor, and Naomi Watts. I’m in love with Ewan so that’s why I watched and then I just totally fell in love with Ryan’s character. Of course I IMDb’d it, found out it was him and totally career stalked. I love him and totally fell harder for him in Lars and the Real Girl, he was perfect in Crazy Stupid Love, loved him in Gangster Squad, broke my heart with sadness in Blue Valentine, set my engines alight in Drive, and made me want to be in politics in Ides of March (I don’t blame you Evan Rachel Wood, between him and Clooney *bites knuckle*). Just to name a few of the things you should see him in. But you should career stalk him, like I do. With everyone. But trust me, a Ryan Gosling marathon will set you right. Then you would understand when I talk about his presence, that smile, how endearingly heartbreakingly sweet he can be, how perfect his body is, how you just want to run your fingers through that blonde hair, how he doesn’t have to say anything and you understand everything, and how every single character he plays, you can see he plays with full heart. There is no reason not to love this guy and I’m so team Eva Mendez. I love Rachel but, come on? No contest.

17. HENRY CAVILL

hc6hc5 hc3 hc hc1 hc4 hc2

Yummmmmmm, so daamn yummmmy. I love this dude ever since the Tudors. God and that English accent kills me every time. I especially love his voice, it’s amazing and it’s almost lyrical. I love his sexy ass all over that show. I went to see Immortals with a friend and I had no clue he was in the movie, never really heard much about the movie to begin with, but that’s one of the best surprises I’ve ever gotten. So fine, fine as hell. My friend’s like, you need to calm down. And then Superman….Oh God, Superman…… What can I say? I don’t think I’ve ever been so fascinated with a man’s chest so much. I just wanna touch them… and stuff. His body is so fucking sick I can’t take it. Cheekbones for days, beautiful eyes, great hair, his American accent is awesome. If you were a witch and casted a spell for the perfect man, this is what’s you get, at least hope to get. And him and that Superman suit, that’s one I’d love to rip off.

18. DAVID BECKHAM

db5 db3 db4 db1 db db2

All I can say is Victoria, you are one lucky bitch and I never been more jealous. She must feel sooo good to go home to alla that. Omg he just keeps getting hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter. Loooooooooooove you so much! And I’m so happy that he has this underwear thing with H&M because those sexy ass ads with him being half naked most of the time, is a treat every time. I love when they show up on my news feed when I’m just aimlessly scrolling on Facebook. Looooove. I don’t really need to say much because anyone with a remote pulse should be able to see what a mother fuckin hottie this guy is. Hooooooooooot. I certainly had a lotta fun looking up his picks, and there’s no shortage of him with his shirt off being that he plays soccer and all. Man oh man oh man oh man. Love it! He is totally Beckmmmmm.

19. JOHN HAMM

jh4 jh jh1 jh3 jh2

Oh, John Hamm. He is as refreshing as those Old Fashions his character loves so much on Mad Men. You don’t have to love Mad Men to love John, but it helps. He pretty much makes the show. I love him on that show so much and his character, flaws and all. I think I would have a hard time kicking Don outta bed as well so I don’t blame those women so much. I love his voice, low steady and has a nice rumble to it. Just what you wanna hear when you wake up in the morning and he whispers in your ear, How’d ya sleep? Enough to pull him straight on top of ya, screw morning breath. Love ya John Hamm how do I love ya. Also all those sightings of little John, makes me even happier. 😀 I would love to get my arms around that nice solid chest of his. *sigh*

20. JOHNNY DEPP

jd5 jd4 jd3 jdjd1 jd2

The icing on the cake, the cherry on top, breaking hearts since Cry Baby and 21 Jump Street. The major loves of all our hearts, Mr. Johnny Depp. Yummmm. No matter how strange his accent gets, how long the hair, the crazier the roles, if he crawled into our beds one night, we wouldn’t even bat a lash. Def a repeat offender of many dreams. He gets hotter and hotter, when does it ever end?! I hope never!!! Just as his talent is infinite and you can appreciate everything he does, and you just love him even more for being so crazily amazing. If you were ever to be alone on a deserted island, this the man you’d want to be alone with. *sigh* I don’t even wanna think about that right now or this post will never get finished! It’s already been difficult enough. You know him, you love him, and he will forever be breaking hearts.

All these guys have such amazing talents and that’s the reason we fall in love with them in the first place. They enter our hearts through their amazing acting skills with the abilities to make us laugh, cry, think, feel better about ourselves, love, and over all just help us make it through the day. And others we just like to see them take off their shirts and kick around a soccer ball. But no matter what they do, they’re amazing and we love them. If any of these guys ever kidnapped me, the first thing I’d ask for is Stockholm syndrome please. Not that you’d ever need it if your kidnappers look half as amazing as these guys. So keep it up men! We love ya!

Oh, yeah, and you’re welcome. *Sadie voice*

Blah Blah Blah, Life in Repeat

But it’s more like reheat. You know that new midlife crisis that they’re saying people in their 20s get now? Well I’m totally the poster child for that and I’m not even 23 yet. Sure, I know it’s me holding myself back, I am my number 1 obstacle in life. But I feel a lot of it stems from shit with my mom and living pretty sheltered, and just all the shit they promise you in school. They tell you you can be whatever you want when you get out of school and graduate. They tell you all you need is your GED or your high school diploma. Then it was your associates. Now it’s your bachelor’s, and whenever I decide to ever finish that, it’ll be your fucking doctorate. Nothing is ever as easy as it seems. People come to America to live the American dream. Good luck because those of us that live here can barely get a glimpse at it.

I’m always complaining, always. I know it’s annoying but I have no clue what to do other than fix it and that I can barely do. Part of it has to do with a depression that has followed me around for most of my life. It sneaks up on me and now it has attached itself to my soul. Or my uterus. I always thought, jokingly of course, I had a demon baby inside me and well the little parasite my as well be real. Besides the depression eating my soul away and me, looking like I’m about 6 months pregnant. Maybe if I was still skinny I wouldn’t care how shitty my life was because I would still be skinny and in our society, that’s still winning. But I’m not so… I guess I’m just losing. But underneath all this is fear. And that’s what brings on the panic attacks I use to have briefly, and me just not wanting to do anything at all. I’m a huge self sabotager, no one does it better than me.

I’m scared all the time. A lot of that pretty much has to do with me growing up. Both my parents are from Belize and they’re pretty old compared those parents of my generation. My mom’s always complaining that everyone has grandkids except her, and that she had children way too late. But this is what has made my childhood so difficult for me. Growing up with parents from a third world country and a completely different generation/era, was very hard for me. There was a lot of things other kids could do that I couldn’t, a lot of things I wasn’t in the loop of, and I wasn’t allowed to go out. Going out was a huge problem for my mom. She rarely let me go out with friends and didn’t even like for me to stay over my cousin’s house when she has sleepover parties. Everyone hogged the tv and I was tired of not being able to watch what I wanted and being bored day in and day out. I would just stay in my room and read all the time. As I got older I would sneak downstairs when everyone else was in bed and watch tv then. Thank god for laptops, Netflix, and the library. Those things saved my life. And the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s By the Way album when I was in middle school. But that’s another story.

I was basically a shut in, living in my own world of books. I would go to the library almost everyday being it 5 mins away from house and on the way home from my middle school. Everyone knew me at the library I went there so often. It was my home away from home and I loved talking to everyone there. As much as this all made me who I am, and I may think differently from people, or have a better understanding of things, or just that it has added to my weirdness, it also related to my depression. As much as I read and everything, it doesn’t fight of being lonely, not completely. I couldn’t even really go out til my senior year of high school. My mom didn’t even want me to go to after prom. Everything I ever did was wrong to her. My relationship with my mom, especially in high school, was in total turmoil. We’d fight all the time. I just remember being in pain a lot and it never going away. I was only really happy with myself, my last two years of high school. Where somehow I just overcame most of my insecurities and shyness. Ironically, now that I’m fat, I have way more self confidence, or I just don’t give a shit anymore.

Anyway, all this jumbled up mess just translates that with my mom never really letting me do anything and me just staying home in my room reading all the time and being alone…. it just lead me to be scared all the time to do anything. I’m really fucking scared. Underneath it all, I’m still that insecure girl that still wants to break down and cry if someone laughs at her because she’s weird. Two different people in the span of 24 hours called me a dork. And then I later I realized, after they both said it’s in a really good cute way, this is what adorkable means. And thank you Zooey Deschanel for giving my weirdy dorky cuteness a definition. I’m fucking adorkable. That’s one label I’ll accept and I think fully covers what I am. I’m certainly not your average bear.  But back to be very very scared. I don’t have the tools to handle this life. I finished my associates, I have yet to go back to school tho I need to, I need to get a better job, move out, stop being fat, have a fucking life finally, be happy, and maybe actual get a boyfriend for more than two weeks. Oh, and fucking finish my book already which is the job I really want to do. That and be a fashion designer. Besides reading books in four hours, I would make collages of inspiration for my designs from magazines, and I have tons of sketches all over my room. The Lana Del Rey dress was one of hundreds of sketches, finished and unfinished, collections and pieces and I have scattered around my room. I wanted that more than anything but I let that dream wither and die. And since i figured I let one go, I might as well try and do justice to the other one.

As much as some day, and mostly every day, as I look at my life and other people lives, being so happy and successful… It’s like what has happened to me? Even if I did still have friends, would I just be left behind, fat and working miserably at a fast food joint? What’s my life about? I look around me and I can’t fucking figure it out. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do anymore, what I even truly want. All I ever wanted since I was 12 years old was to turn 18, move out my house, go to FIT, stay skinny, have a DJ boyfriend, and dance at the club every night. I just want to have fun and be me. I wanted to get my lip pierced and die my hair blue. My mom still has a problem with half those things. No matter how many fights, conversations, talks, screaming matches, I will never ever get through to her. She was supposed to let me go and have fun in high school and now. Who the fuck in college has a curfew? And that of 10 o’clock? I will never feel bad for anyone because I know how it feels and no one ever felt sorry for me. No one feels sorrier than me and my fat self. She never understood that I was different than her, I like going out, I like having friends and I like having fun. Now, I can’t stand to be around her. She also never figured out that we cannot be around each other too long. That’s when we start to fight so I rather not be around her at all. And honestly, I don’t care what she talks about. And I just don’t talk to my dad cuz he’s an asshole. If my parents where my friends, I would’ve said fuck you to them a long time ago and never talked to them again. If I ever do move out and get famous, or relationship would probably estranged.

But that’s what happens when I was and still am, being kept in this jar. It stunted me a lot but I also think I’m way more mature than most people are. I also have really bad anger issues. I hate things. A lot. But sometimes I really just wanna give up. Like fuck it, I’ll just stay at that job forever, and give up on everything. On having a life, falling in love, being pretty. I just don’t care. If I could I would never leave my bed and sleep all the time. I’d just let everything swallow me up whole. But then I think, but there’s all those people I wanna prove wrong. All those books floating around in my head, stories, movie and tv screen plays swirling around in there every single day. If I let another dream die, what will there be left of me? I already tackled and kind of covered that art of being alone. It is just exhausting sometimes pretending to be that strong all the time. Sometimes I just can’t do it. My eye twitches, I want people to die, I drink, cry, scream, and hate myself for ruining my life like this. I could have everything I really wanted if I let myself. Maybe I don’t think I deserve it? I know I’ve given up in ever being happy but can I give up on my sanity?

I got a job to be independent and in hopes that my mom ease up on me and be proud of me. I got a job without her asking, and I never had to ask her for money ever again. Also, I could go out more. I could not go out because I did not have money. I would ask my mom for some and she would always say she never had so I could never go out. Now I never had to ask. Even now she’s so over bearing, I really can’t take it. But I also meant it when I said I was done with her and her bullshit, and I am. That’s why I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore. I hardly care about myself half the time. And I don’t know if this stems from no on ever caring about me or ever listening to me, or just me not thinking I’m worth caring about. Or I just accepted this not caring thing from people. That’s why it’s very hard for me to accept compliments or to even believe people or take them seriously when they say nice things to me. I’m just not used to it. Skinny or fat, I was never that girl who got showered with gifts or told they were beautiful. I’m not sure if anyone has told me that, in a very serious I love you kind of way.

My life is in complete and utter shambles and I have no clue where to start to fix it. Sometimes I’m not sure I ever wanna fix it but I know I have it to. I can’t just let myself die. I’m a nice fun person who tends to be bitchy a lot but it’s all from these walls life constantly has me put up. But I don’t want to give up just yet either. If I can’t be happy or find love ever, I at least gotta try and make something out of this life on mine.