TV Quotes

Sometimes when I watch my tv shows some of the things they say just make you burst out laughing or you totally agree with whatever they’re saying. One of my fav shows that I can probably pull a million quotes from just one episode is 2 Broke Girls. That’s show’s fucking hilarious. And now I’m here to share it with the woooooorrrld……. or the two of you that still read my blog. I’m still Jenna-ing my blog so fuck it! Here’s some shit that I find hilarious and say out loud over and over by myself in my room and cracking up.

New Girl:

When CeCe goes into Jess’s room to talk about Schmidt and she’s in bed with Nick.

“How’d I get so lucky? My bro and my ho!”- Jess

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Supernatural:

“Then we can all go out for strippers and ice cream.”- Dean sure knows the way to my heart. *sigh*

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Super Fun Night:

When Kimmy revealed to the guys they went on a date with that she falsified her and her friends’ dating profile, and Murika wasn’t really a botanist.

“Argh, the plant knowledge we could’ve had!”- one of the three guys with a beard, idk their names yet, they’re new

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American Horror Story: Coven:

When Fiona pulls Madame LaLaurie from her grave still alive after 180 years.

“Come on Mary Todd Lincoln, I’ll buy you a drink.”- Fiona

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2 Broke Girls:

When they get their new day waiter/ gay waiter and of course Max is being my favorite nosey dirty girl:

“So are you a top?”- Max

“Oh please, you think this anyone’s pushing this $25,000 face into a pillow?”- Luis

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When Luis’ phone rings.

“Is that the theme from Sex and the City?”- Caroline

“You know it! I’m such a Charlotte.”- Luis

“I’m a Charlotte, too! There’s not many of us.”- Caroline

“And I’m all the dead girls from American Horror Story.”- Max

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I def cracked up to that last one. One of my favorites so far. Love tv. *sigh* My best friend besides my bed. I do everything from my bed. Anyway these are a few scenes/lines that have been rolling around my head and I have been chuckling to myself about or saying at work and then laughing and then have my co-workers stare at me. They always ask me if I’m ok and I just say no, cuz what’s the point in lying if it’s so damn obvious already. Hopefully you found these funny too, or at least makes you go watch the show! You should be watching these shows already anyway…. unless you actually have a life.

Another Scene In My Story

Here’s another scene in my story that I’ve been writing for quite some time and can’t seem to finish. But at least I’m getting somewhere, finally. Nearly 12,000 words. Whoo hoo! Anyway, this story, Lone, has been in my head ever since I wanted to write and could think about a story to write. It’s just all finally coming together now after all these years. Anyway, here’s a hug scene that I finally finished writing. Idk, I love it, I hate, I never wanna read it again but then I just can’t wait to fix it. It’s off and reeks of amateur attempts but it’s out the brain and saved on Microsoft Word. Idk, it’s missing a lot, it has a lot, it has everything but yet nothing. Idk what I’m missing or what I should take out. If this was a recipe, I’d just add a lot of cheese on top and call it a day, but this one is a little harder to remedy.

So here is this scene in all its terrible glory. So lemme know what at all two of you out there think. Or anyone that’s unfortunate enough to stumble upon here. Happy reading!

 

Once again Shadow found herself waking up in a strange place. It was familiar and different in that it was like the cabin she had woken up in before, but it wasn’t. It was someone else’s. She felt very warm but not in an uncomfortable way. She just sat there looking at the brown of the wood and the few things that were on the wall. A map of the woods that ran along the edge of town and beyond, further up into the more rural parts of New York, and a wolf calendar and a lunar calendar side by side. Shadow was always curious about New York City. She was in one of the most famous states in the world and she has never been to the even more famous city. She secretly dreamed of one day running away there, maybe they’d be more accepting of her. The Great Melting Pot, the City that Never Sleeps, the Big Apple. And then maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone all the time. Even if she was, the TV shows and movies all showed a fast past environment, she’d be moving too fast to even feel it. She could let the crowd swallow her up whole and get lost. Here, it was slow, and she could feel every minute dragging across her stomach.

“Oh, you’re awake. Finally,” said a girl walking into a room. She smiled brightly at her and Shadow stared after her. She went to fixing things on the bedside table next to her bed, another pitcher of water, a bowl with a washcloth in it, a white desk phone, a notepad and pen, and a plate with food.

“You gave your father quit a fright there, little one,” she said. “I’m Rain by the way.” She sat in the chair that was by the bed. She went to reach for something on the bed side table and paused. She looked at Shadow.

“Do you even talk?” she asked. Shadow, still staring and not moving one inch, nodded her head.

“Well, I guess that’s something. Can you at least open your mouth to eat?” she looked at her while her hands moved towards the bed side table once again. Shadow nodded. “Good, you need your strength after the transformation you’ve been through.” Rain had the plate and fork in hand ready to feed her.

“Always the bloodiest ones, the first few changes. Takes the most out of you,” she says this as she leans over to Shadow. She’s has everything poised and there is Shadow, still staring. She’s staring after this girl that whirled into her room knowing nothing other than her name, and that she was trying to feed her.

Rain then backed away and sat back in her chair, seeing that this wasn’t working.

“What? You don’t like Shepard’s pie? Come on, what’s not to like? It’s literally a pie of comfort food. But if you don’t like it, I could-”

“It’s not that,” Shadow said, cutting her off. “I just much rather feed myself.”

Rain smiled a crooked smiled.

“OK”, she said and hands Shadow the plate. “But at last, she speaks.” She grins at her while Shadow fills her cheeks up with Shepard’s pie.

“So, you’re Elijah’s kid?” she asks Shadow brightly with her elbow on her knee and her chin on her fist. Her eyes are bright and big and fully concentrated on Shadow while she eats her food as far back into the corner as she can get. Shadow pauses to shallow and look up at Rain.

“Who?” Shadow asks. This girl sure knew how to talk, she doubted that she even took one breathe since she got there.

“Who? Who?!” Rain laughs. “You’re father silly! What’s it like being his daughter? I never knew he had any kids, ever the steely type. Never really says much as much as I try to get him to open up. But I like bothering him, it’s fun.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know,” Shadow replied as she bent her head again and let unkempt hair fall into her face. She pushed around the plate in her food, her belly filled with something else now. “I never met him.”

Rain’s smiled faded. “What do you mean you never met him?” she asks. Her never ending black hair in a half bun at base of her neck, spilling onto her cream colored sweater. The sweater is a bit too big and fits haphazardly on her shoulders. She only buttoned two of the buttons, loving the coming winter chill cool her warm skin. Her red scoop neck tank top hugs her curves and brings out the startling green of her eyes. Her tan is ever present in the combination of green, cream, and red. Shadow peaks out from under her hair to watch this girl with wonder. Everything just seems so… so… so much… more. Rain’s green eyes are like two glittering peridot stones, the red of her tank top bringing out the burnt sienna tones in her skin. Seeing every loose thread on her cream sweater…

Shadow shrugged and made more circles on her plate with the fork.

“Just never met him. Never really knew if he existed at all,” Shadow replied into her plate. The screeching of the fork was starting to make an irritating echo in her ears, vibrating throughout her whole body. She slammed down the fork on the plate and set it beside her on the bed. She was starting to feel agitated and sighed deeply.

“But then how did you get here? How did you know to come here looking for him? This not a place that just anyone can find, Shadow. If you never knew he existed, then how did he even find you?” asked Rain, as started to lean forward in the chair, her turquoise necklace swinging off her chest into the air. Her glittering gaze fixed on Shadow’s movements.

“I-I-I don’t know, okay? Jeez, just stop with the questions already!” Shadow curled deeper into a ball, shoving herself in the corner the wall and the bed made. She let her hair be the wall the she needed.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to rile you up. I’m just curious by nature, I’m sorry.”

Shadow knew she didn’t mean to upset her, and she wasn’t really sure why she was so upset and felt defensive. She was starting to get cagey, not sure if she wanted to curl up into a ball until everything went away, or run out into the open air towards freedom. All she was sure about right now was that she was very very confused.

“It’s ok,” she said after a long pause. She could still see Rain’s sparkling eyes through her hair. She was still leaned over, staring at her with such concern. It kind of reminded of her mother. All those times she would sit and watch her sleep. It was something familiar. “Truth is I wish I knew. I really do. I-I’m so confused right now.” She paused to swallow and came out of her corner a little more. She creased her forehead and finally tried to think about what happened the night before. She gazed down at the dark blue and purple knit blanket, as her mind took her somewhere else.

“It was so weird. This dream I was having, it was like is real,” she said, her gaze more intent as she tried to walk through the muddy memory. “I-I was running, and I felt sooo much pain that I couldn’t understand, but I felt it. I felt all of it and I just wanted to die. I thought I was going to. I just wanted to lay on the dirt in the forest and die and let everything else die with me and it would all finally be over.” She shook her and scoffed a little. “I thought I saw my father, but it couldn’t have been him. It was a wolf standing in front on me, growling and barking. But I could hear it, hear its thoughts. Well, actually it did say it was my dad but that’s fucking impossible because it was a wolf. But then again it was a dream so anything can happen in a dream. So there ya go, a wolf was my father and I was in crazy amount of pain running through the forest.”

“Shadow…”

“Yesterday was my birthday ya know,” her eyes was were glassy and now her head was up, staring at the cabin walls. She took another deep breather. “I think I was actually having fun with a boy, if that’s not all a dream too. I had hope for a split second and now it’s gone. I’m here, wherever the fuck that is, and I have no fucking clue what’s going. Supposedly my dad’s here, who I imagined to be dead long ago and nothing but a story. What happened to me? How did I get here? Why? Just tell me please. I just want to go home.”

Rain got up from her chair. “I think you really need to speak to your father. I don’t feel comfortable answering those questions for him. I’ll go get him.” Her look of concern now gone and replaced with a big smile. But her glittering peridot eyes still held something of worry. Shadow felt utterly lost and just looked away. “It’ll be ok, Shadow. I promise. Things will work out.” She watched Shadow nod her head, her jet black hair and side of her nose was all she could see. She felt a deep pang of pain for the girl, and was very worried for her. She turned to leave the room and as she turned the corner into the hall, she ran into Elijah, leaning on the wall. Rain’s eyes went big and her insides jumped. She was startled and completely caught off guard. She could never sense him, and it was very unnerving. Rain’s chest heaved a little.

“Eli,” she stared up at him cautiously. “I was just coming to get you.” He shot her look and tilted his head slightly, making his jet black hair move slightly to the side. She held her hand up and held her head down slightly as a sign of peaceful submission.

“I know, I know, don’t call you that,” she responded to his look. She glanced up at him, her eyes growing big and her mouth slightly open in all the questions she has for him. He looked ever steelier, leaning on the side of the wall with his muscled arms crossed over his even more muscled chest. He still looked so young but those eyes and that look of sternness that was always on his face made you think better. He was a steel grey t-shirt that hugged his muscles. Making his nearly silver eyes gleam even more. Curiosity won out.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone about her? Where you hiding her?” she asked cautiously. As much as she liked teasing him, his anger wasn’t anything to joke about. This was one field of eggshells she would have to step onto lightly if she was to get the answers she wanted. But it wasn’t all about getting answers, no matter what Elijah felt, he was her friend and she was determined to help him. He didn’t move, she wasn’t even sure that he breathed. She just felt those eyes piercing her through the shadows his hair created onto his face. Impossibly straight, always parted in the middle, his side bangs cut to the top of his cheeks. The rest slowly getting longer until it rest on the back of his neck. Elijah never liked his hair very long and his straight hair usually hung straight or feathered out in the directions of the wind. She could barely see the blue in his hair, the shadows making it blend into the background. “Listen, Elijah, you’ve seriously need to talk to her. She needs to know things. I don’t know what was going on and I didn’t feel comfortable telling her anything without consulting you first.”

Elijah then came to life from his statue spell, stood up straight, unfolded his strong arms, and sighed deeply. “I know. And thank you for respecting my personal space. I know your curiosity gets the best of you,” he said as made his way down toward the door frame, him and Rain switching places. “I’m going to talk to her now.” Rain grabs at his arm, stopping him from going in just yet. The long sleeves of her cream sweater brush his arm and her smooth, slender hand slides down his arm. There’s a pleading look to her eyes, even in the darkness of shadows. Her hand nervously plays with her turquoise necklace. Loose pieces of her hair tumbling around her face, curling and framing it.

“Please, you seriously have to talk to her.”

“I know, Rain. That’s why I came here. To talk to her, and I will.”

“Yes, but seriously, tell her everything. Don’t hide anything from her. She’s old enough to know and she has proven that already. At the very least, she deserves the whole truth. Especially when she can’t go back now. ”

“Rain…” the rest of the sentence ended in a growl of annoyance.

“I know, I know crossing the line. But I know how secretive you can be. And this one you cannot keep, not from her. I have no clue what’s going on, and maybe I’ll try to drag everything out of you when you’re in one of your better moods.”

“Better mood?” he questioned with an eyebrows. He amused that she thought he had any mood that be considered ‘better’.

“Yeah, ya know, those times where you’re not about to rip my head off,” she gave a lopsided smile and a glint entered her eyes. “Now go be the best daddy I know you can be.” She shoves toward him shoving him playfully in the light of the open door. He shoots her a look that she ignores as they walk into the door frame. Rain doesn’t come in but leans on the doorway. Her body pressed against the wall and her hand cupping the frame.

Elijah sees his daughter standing before him, conscious, finally. She looks so much like him but there is something about her mother that is there. A determination that buzzes underneath he skin. He’s a statue again just staring wide eyed at the little girl he left so long ago. He’s seen her so many times but not like this. Not when they can actually talk about things and all the questions that will rain on him. A storm he has been waiting for, for 16 years. A storm that may finally free up the weight of all the things he has kept inside. She was beautiful, that was one thing he knew for sure. She has grown to be tall, healthy, and strong. That’s all he ever wanted for her. And to be loved, to be happy. And those things he may have to answer for.

“Shadow…”

“So, I guess you’re him.” Elijah swallowed and did a small nod. Now really face to face with her, he wasn’t sure he knew the first thing about handling 16 year olds, much less 16 year old girls. Rain was more than he could handle already.

“So,” she said with a look of courage and determination, one he has seen on her mother’s face many times before, she boldly stared back him. “What are these secrets that you are keeping from me and why can’t I go back?” She crossed her arms and looked very much like her father looked a few minutes before.

Elijah stood there mouth slightly open, confused on how to proceed and a little frightened of the child he felt he was force to abandon so long ago. Maybe this wouldn’t be as easy as he once thought. He looked at Rain still in the door frame, and through a slightly pleading look at her.

“Well, that’s my queue to leave. Father daughter time! Have fun!” she gave them a thumbs up a huge grin, and spun around to leave. She waved goodbye as she was leaving, yelling “See you guys later!” The door slammed shut and there was silence. They both looked at the door frame as if they were expecting her to come back. Elijah finally turned around and looked at his beautiful daughter. He gave a nervous laugh and put his hands on his hips. He stared into her eyes, eyes that were nearly the color of his but lighter. The color of seers’ eyes. He kept looking into those eyes and saw the little baby girl he dreamt of for so long. With that he could only think of one thing to say, after so long. Her chin was set, her eyes expecting.

“I’m sorry.” More than anything he realized, he always wanted her to know how sorry he was. For everything, for anything that happened and that he wasn’t there for. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion, her eyes grew big and immediately glassed over with tears. She moved on foot back, and started to shake. She sharply glanced to floor as she tried to plug the spring of emotions that threatened to erupt after hearing those words. She gritted her teeth, to fight through the pain that was swirling in her stomach. She didn’t want to cry and she wouldn’t. She would never cry ever, for no one.

She stepped back further until she reached the bed. Elijah watched her cautiously and held out his hands as if to steady her but never touching her. He stood slightly in front of her and she felt him gazing down at her.

“Shadow girl…” he said softly, and the sentence trailed off. He had no clue what to say, what to do, where to even begin.

A sob escaped Shadow’s throat and the sound was filled with so much more pain than she could imagine. She lost control of those emotions she kept hidden so deeply within herself, she forgot she even had them. Whatever strength she had holding them, faded away each time her father spoke. Now it felt like she was dying from the inside out, having to deal with a pain she thought she buried a long long time ago.

Elijah sat next to her on the bed, starting to speak and then not. Then he finally he realized he had to do the one thing he never got to know how to do.

He started to rub gently on her shaking back, and he felt her jump. She started to cry harder and harder, and her shaking getting toward violent. She was in such a fragile state, emotionally and physically. Shadow was too exhausted to process any more than the little she had received already. She felt more overloaded than she had ever been, without knowing a single thing. She couldn’t think anymore and didn’t want to. Her father hand was surprisingly comforting. When he went to his arm around her and pull her in close, she surprised them both by not pulling away.

What she did want right now was comfort. Her father smelled of things she couldn’t name that were somehow familiar. He was safe. He felt like home though she never would associate him with that. She felt that this was where she was belonged. Something inside her started to settle down and was happy with that thought. He rocked slightly and continued to rub her back. He did not tell her not to cry. He let her give way to all the tears and let her bawl away everything that was inside her.

She finally stopped shaking and her breakdown gave way to useless hiccups and sniffling. But he kept rocking and rubbing her back. He radiated a heat that lulled her emotionally drained mind into a calming sleep. Elijah looked down at his little Shadow girl and felt something he hadn’t felt in so long. He hadn’t realized just how empty and shut off towards everything he really was. He was happy for the first time in a very long time. The uneasiness of everything beginning to unfold itself took a back seat to being content.

For the first time, in a very long time, he was able to hold his baby girl.

 

 

 

Update on Creeper #1

Why does this guy continue to reek havoc on my life? Everywhere I go I see this motha fucka and I’m just like, how many times a day do you take the bus?

The first time I seen him again after the first incident was when I was coming home from Rebel Bingo. It’s like 3am and I have huge panda in my hands, even bigger hair. I’m just glad I wasn’t scantly clad or anything like I would be when I was skinny. So thank God for that. I take a seat in the front cause there were no single chairs open and I’m completely exhausted and can already feel the beginnings of a hang over. My panda is keeping me very warm. As I sit down I notice he’s in the rows across from me and I do that internal jump and my eyes go big for a second and I just bury my head into my panda.

He’s there putting hand sanitizer on his hands like it’s lotion and I’m praying to God he won’t recognize me or say anything.

He’s looking dead at me, sanitizing his hands, and goes “Can I hold the panda?” I just lift my head up enough to do a quick, thin smile and lower my head back down to the warmth of my panda. He just keeps staring, slack jawed, putting on more sanitizer! I feel like he’s preparing for something. No one needs that much sanitizer at 3am.

Then some guy goes “Did you just ask how old the panda was?” I look to see where the guy was, and Creeper #1 just continues doing what he’s doing but staring at the guy, and after that it was a very awkward, quiet 15 minute bus ride home. I never wanted to go home so badly.

Second Incident: Yesterday. I’m on the bus on the way to work for 8pm, and guess who eventually gets on the bus? Creeper #1. I put my head down so fast it wasn’t even funny. He had his arm in a sling. I have noooo clue wtf is up with that. He always got a problem when he’s on the bus. He’s talking to the bus driver about something and he’s like halfway into her booth thingie. Issues. Even to get off the bus there was a problem. Everyone already got off the bus and he wanna say “Back door!” and he’s still sitting down! Then he’s all the way in the back, taking his sweet sweet time getting down the steps, even for him to get the through the door there was issues. The door was open for like 2 minutes, for no reason whatsoever.

I feel like he’s on drugs, I don’t necessarily think he drinks. He always has soda or juice with him which makes me think he’s recovering from drugs or he’s still taking it. Like heroine or crack, either way it helps him not to remember me. Thank God. Also cause when he saw me, my hair was straight and right now it’s curly. And for some reason, people don’t seem to realize that your hair can do more than one thing. So it’s like I have a disguise. The first time he saw me was with straight hair with glasses, the second time curly no glasses, and last time curly with glasses. But I think he was really out of it the last time and didn’t see me or recognize me which is very good. Never need to buy a disguise, mine is built in.

But I really don’t think it’s that much of a difference that you can’t recognize me. People are just stupid. Thank God for that.

In disguise:

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No disguise:

 

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In disguise:

 

 

 

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No disguise (on the ferry on the way to go to Rebel Bingo):

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Is it really that much of a big difference? I don’t think so. I’m just more fat in person if anything.

The Quarter Life Crisis

Sooo, Idk lately I guess I’ve been more down than usual. Idk if I’ll necessarily say depressed. Too me, I feel or understand that I’m depressed when I have panic attacks when writing, or I haven’t showered in more than 4 consecutive days, or I’m having mental breakdowns every 6 months. But those things haven’t really been happening as of late, so how do I know if I’m depressed? I think I am but I’ve just gotten so comfortable and used to it, that that’s my life now. It has embedded itself into my life and I’m not sure if I know how to live any other way. But I do know I don’t want to live my life this way forever, who really does? It’s just that when I think of all the things I wanna do and what I should do, and I look at everyone else’s life and the life I want to have…. It all just seems so impossible, or hopeless, or like I should just give up now. I don’t know what to do anymore really. And I think that’s what has been bugging me the most.

I’ve been trying to have fun and live my life because it’s never really been full of that. I rarely get to have fun and experience it that often and usually I’m by myself when that happens. I’m a great person to have fun with because I have a lotta energy, especially when drunk. I’m a dancer, I looove to dance and I don’t care if I do that by myself the whole night. As long as I’m good, music’s good, everything else is good. Drea’s gunna dance whether anyone’s looking or not. And I really take to heart what I discovered about being alone and stuff. You can’t wait on other people all the time, you have to do what you want and have fun. I really wish I had friends who could hang with me, have a good time, and not spoil my fun. I go along with everyone else’s plan but when it comes to mine, they’re not my own. That’s why I don’t invite anyone anywhere. I know it’s not their scene, their style music, or what they like to do. I’m always up for something new but if it’s something I really don’t like, I don’t spoil their fun. I just let you have fun and enjoy yourself. But I hate when people do that to me, or I have to babysit people or cater to them. I can’t do it. So I rather go it alone.

Some things that were nice that I went to, was my friend’s art gallery. I never been to one before and it’s for Hispanic Heritage month. It’s in the Bronx at the Andrew Freedman Home. The exhibition is called Passages and it features Hispanic artists. My friend, Hiram Melendez, is one of those artist and is truly amazing. I have never been to an exhibition of any kind before, and I really enjoyed this one. They had those super interesting pieces that you wonder how could someone make that, or even think to make that? To the drawings that are so life like and detailed, the photographs that tell a million different stories, those paintings that share culture and where you’re from. One of my favorite pieces was where this artist took the Virgin Mary, something very iconic and a staple in Hispanic culture, and made a wall of them. But these weren’t your grandmother’s Virgin Mary’s. It’s like she Andy Warhol-ed them, in the sense that she took something you would see all the time or use, and put and artistic spin to it. They were made out ceramic, which is amazing in itself to me. One of them she just sequined the Virgin Mary and I thought that was such a great effect. One was covered in white roses, things you would for making party favors for a party, things I’ve seen my mom use. It was a quinceanera one, and had that on the front, and I just really loved it in that I could see my mom buying things like this and using them to make favors for my party. And she has done just that and still does. I like one that was just nails inside of the ceramic shell/casing that she made for each one. One of them had a zipper and lace covering the sides. But I really liked to cuz it felt so familiar still, even though it was re-imagined and made differently and I really enjoyed that. I want a wall of them for my room lol. But the exhibition a whole was really amazing and I enjoyed looking at people’s work. Makes you kind of want to draw something, anything.

I also went to Rebel Bingo this month. Yes, alone. I’m such a grandma at heart and love looove looooove bingo. I play Bingo Blitz all the time on my Kindle. It’s so much fun for me, especially drunken bingo. And that’s basically what Rebel Bingo is. It’s a drunken bingo concert. And was I ever drunk at that thing. I even got a panda that kept me warm alll the way home. Of course everyone’s like why does this girl with crazy hair have a panda? I left my hair curly which is just an explosion of hair on my head. But I had so much fun dancing and talking to people. No one could understand that I came alone. But they enjoyed watching me dance like nobodies watching, which in a way they sooo weren’t. But people were nice and fun and I felt very normal compared to the guys with no shirts on and marker all over them. The dj was fucking amazing and I danced til the very last song. I told ya, I like having fun but no one can really hang with my type of fun it seems. I can totally be the life of the party if you let me but nobody lets me.

Most of the time, I just feel like I have the plague. Sometimes I wonder why I even rush to pay my cell phone bill. It’s not like anyone ever calls me. I call my phone a paper weight. Or a very expensive mp3/alarm. I don’t call people either. I stopped chasing relationships when I lost my best friends. I did all the work and no one else ever did anything. If people really wanted to be my friend, they’d call me or actually text me. Sometimes they do, and I’m just so used to not doing it, that I don’t. But when I do, no one answers. That’s the other reason why I don’t try. Then I look like stalker Betty when I hit them up every minute. I’m not stalking anybody or driving myself crazy over people who would never do the same for me. It’s like I’m in one minute and out the next. I’m not really sure what to do. This little bit of people that I know, are my friends. As much as I would like to have a best friend, I don’t think that will ever happen again. And that kind of makes me lose hope for other things. If I can’t even find a best friend, how will I ever find a boyfriend? If I can’t even get someone to be my friend, then how can I get them to love me?

These things weigh heavily on me everyday. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right, or that things are going the way I want them to. I think I’m very angry at myself. On one hand, I accept these things and changes/challenges I have, but on the other hand I really really don’t, and I’m mad that I made things so difficult for myself. I never wanted to be this big and feel so ashamed of my body that people who just had babies look better than me. I never wanted to be that person who could never wear what she wanted or felt that she had to hide herself from people. As much as I accept my new body, I kind of resent myself for letting me do this to myself. I feel like I made it that much more difficult for myself in finding anyone because I let myself get this big. The only people that want me are the drunk guys on night shift. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Like I do, but I’m too lazy/stuck to do it. Not that I’m blaming my friends for anything, but I wish I had more that were into what I was into. Understood this whole struggle with writing I have, the war with art that I struggle with everyday. Then maybe they’d know how to encourage me, or something. Get me out of bed at least.

Thinking about these things makes me very tired. All I want do is stay in bed and never leave. I just play Bingo Blitz while watching X-Files on Netflix. I eat food and stick more stickers onto my laptop. I do some search a word puzzles. I read books on my Kindle or Sandman comics. I lay there and think of the stories I’m not writing, the ones that plague my brain and struggle to leave my finger tips. The stories that once I leave them, resurface with a new piece of the puzzle. I want to write. Everyday I say I will. Then I get home, get in bed, feel so exhausted. I take comfort in my bingo, my shows, and the blankets and squalor that surround me in my bed. I never want to leave it. And I’m afraid if I don’t, I leave everything that I am there.

I really just stopped caring about myself. I think when I saw when things that I were doing weren’t working or I just ended up with the same results every time, I gave up. Relationships were just not made for me. Sometimes I get very sad, and I feel very empty inside and seems like nothing will ever fill that blankness. I hate it most when I just miss touching other people. You never know how alone you really are when you’re not even used to the touch of other people anymore. How great it must feel for other people who have someone there for them all the time. That’s what I want, besides friends, family, co-workers. Just someone to care for you and you alone. My friend told me that he didn’t understand why I didn’t have more friends or a boyfriend or anything. He said that I’m such an amazing person and just awesome to hang out with. I don’t fucking know either do. No one wants to give me a fucking chance.

Or maybe Maleficent did curse me when I was a baby and a long grievous life is what she has in store for me.

Soniaisms

So, in one of my other posts, I mentioned we have this older manager who’s well into her 60s, from Puerto Rico. She’s kind of like the OG of our store, kind of like Red from Orange is the New Black, but not quite. She’s crazy, caring, nice when she wants to be, self proclaimed bitch, such a hypocrite, and over all just likes to clean and when things get done her way. Over the course of working with her, I totally perfected the way she talks and some of things she says all the time. I make people crack all the time and when we’re bored at work, we just go over some of the most ridiculous stuff she says and crack up. She can totally be a major headache and a big pain in the ass, but you learn to know that’s just her. You get used to her mouth and her yelling at you all the time and learn that bisch is a term of endearment. Either way, you learn, that’s just her. And if you think she’s some sweet ol’ granny, think again. Her mouth is dirtier than you or me and sometimes I’m blushing and left blushing. That’s Sonia for ya.

Soniaisms:

She has such a thick accent some things she just refuses to pronounce and just never learned to say. She’s been in this country for over 30 years and she still can’t speak that well. She’s just one of those people that refuse to learn.

Tex Mex (text message)- You sending ha the tex mex?

Makining- Papi, I makining the ice tea already.

Settining- Papi, take the the order, I’m settining the grill.

Ha Bisch- I don’t know what’s freakin’ wrong with ha bisch.

God don’t like uglies.

I figuring out- I figuring out you sleeping in there.

Fooling Around- These motha fuckas is too busy fooling around in there.

Cellulah- These people always talkin’ shit on the freakin’ cellulah.

Everyday the same bolognas and salamies.

Bisch- Bisches, I freakin’ hate bisches. You bisch get the freak out my face.

I hate people whose a freakin’ pussy.

Be real, man, be real.

I hate people that’s two faces. Hypocrite, the freakin’ lady there is hypocrite.

I don’t make ting, if I say something, it’s cuz it’s true.

Don’t be a smartie.

You hangin with Andrea too much, you gettin fresh just like her.

Slow Down- Some these people here are a slow down.

I tried to joke with her once that this one shift I was working was full of slow downs and she said “No, everybody’s retarded inside there.”

My personal fav is when she talks about the customers and sometimes she gets so pissed off. Sometimes they’ll be so annoying and ask stupid stuff like is the food hot? Did you put everything on the burgers? Did you put sauce in the bag?

And sometimes she just likes to respond, not to the customers tho, but to us. Sometimes she says things like “What do these people think you doing inside there? Tell them next time I shove it up your ass”, or “These people want you to licking the ass in there, and I’m not gunna freakin’ do it. Bunch of motha fuckas”, or “Next time tell them, you gunna put in ha ass, that way the freakin’ burgers can stay hot.”

So pleeeaaasseee don’t be so damn difficult, cuz I feel like one day, she just might do one of the things she says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Scene In a Movie

Yesterday I got super depressed because I bought tickets to go to Fright Fest and then my cousin forgot to tell me she got into a car accident and can’t go. She’s fine just the car is hurt. I tried to go with my friend Richie but they were only taking one car with 6 people in it. Idk what kind of clown car business that is. And then later my cousin texted me to say that the people who we were going with also got into a car accident so their not going either. I was like wtf? That’s too crazy. Maybe we’re just not meant to go this weekend. But I was pissed cuz the tickets are $54 and I just spent a pretty penny and I haven’t been getting more than 25 hours at work. I really need to buy hair dye and stuff cuz I look like shit. Anyway, she’s just like seeing as you can’t return the ticket, we just have to go another day. Thank God because I was ready to slit my wrists open all over the place. I was sooo excited to go, I never been to Fright Fest and it’s my dream to get frightened and then accidentally punch someone in the face outta fear. I already got my outfit together!!! Anyway, maybe I can still buy my hair dye, whatever.

But I was putting this song on blast through my beat up purple Urbanears headphones, and it makes everything ya do seem like you’re going in slow motion in you’re depressing movie life.

well you were high when i meant you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTOAAjtrl14

xiv

This is one band you should really get into. They’re bloody awesome. I played this over and over yesterday. Really helped comfort me and it makes me wanna dance! Or just walk miserably through the streets and open doors.

Part 2: It’s Only Cuz They’re Halfway Drunk

I swear, 4 am is my time to shine. It’s the witching hour of all the drunks out there wanting to come in and just say “hey, Drea! wanna come out and play?” Sadly no, no I don’t and not so sad for you, that you’re drunk enough not to remember a thing. I’m not so surprised that people are blasted at that hour on a Saturday night which is technically a Sunday morning. But who heads to work that wasted?

So, 4am and there were still some people coming in and that’s really the time we need to be cleaning and pulling the store together for the next shift. It was still kinda busy with people strolling in and coming on the drive thru and what not, and yours truly here has been blessed with the honor of taking every drunk retards order.

Anyway, there’s a spanish guy there, around my age or maybe a little older. So I go to take his order and he’s just staring at me. I get very uncomfortable when people just stare at me, and stare me in the eyes. I feel they’re like animals, don’t stare into their eyes too long or they’ll think you want a confrontation. So I’m kinda glancing away, looking around. And he’s still there, not moving, a little slack jawed, and giving me the full weight on his dead ass stare. That stare so bold and blunt and directly in your face, you’re just like, dead ass?

Me- Are you ok? (I know he’s drunk as fuck and I really don’t feel like calling the ambulance.)

Creeper #2- You have the most beautiful eyes.

Me- Awe, thanks. (Hey, he’s drunk but a compliment’s a compliment especially when you don’t get them from anyone remotely sober and I’m wearing these huge glasses.)

Finally he orders and I take the money and he deliberately looks at me and very unsmoothly rubs my hand in that way guys do when they like you and they give you stuff they rub the bottom of your hand and stuff, like hey, just to let you know I really like you. But it was so unsmooth from him and just drunken. It was like was like he pressed his finger across my hand and I just had to laugh and shake my head. My poor manger was very tired and understandable it’s 4 am and we still have to put the store together. The front looks like shit and customers keep coming in and it’s just all very stressful. Needless to say she was not having it.

My co-worker was there again and Creeper #2 starts talking to him.

Creeper #2- Omg, doesn’t she have the most beautiful eyes?

Co-worker- Oh yeah she really does man.

Creeper #2- Her eyes are so beautiful man, she’s a beautiful girl. Wow.

My co-worker just continues to encourage his foolishness and half the time we don’t know what he’s saying between the mumbling, slurring, and occasional mixing half his words with spanish. My co-worker needed me to get something and I knew that by the time I get it and give it to him, that this guy’s order would be ready and he would get the fuck out of there. Nope, still fucking there.

Me- Here ya go, dude.

Creeper #2- Oh here she is! I waited for you, I wanted to say goodbye.

Me- (grinning) Aww, that’s nice, bye then.

Creeper #2- (turns to my co-worker) Yo, yo, this is my girlfriend right here. She’s my girlfriend, isn’t she beautiful?

Me- Whoa, whoa, girlfriend? You’re moving a lil too fast for me there sir.

My co-worker is cracking up the whole time. Creeper #2 grins and goes to give me a fist pump which changes into a high five. Then he gives my other two co-workers. Ok, time for him to go now.

Creeper #2- You have a boyfriend?

Me- Nope. (Still ever so honest as I slowly back away from the counter.)

Then he looks at me in disbelief and I feel he tried to ask me out or ask for my number but he just can’t get the words out. Or any words that I understand.

Co-worker- Yeah, man she’s single you should bag that.

Creeper #2- Yeah, man, she’s very beautiful girl.

Co-worker- Yeah, she hasn’t smiled all night now she’s smilin’.

Omg this is making everything worst and I wanna punch my co-worker so bad and I’m just grinning and laughing and hoping he’ll go away and I’ll never have to test out my serial killer theory.

Creeper #2- See I make her smile, I’m the only one that can make her smile. See, I make you smile. You not even smile til I got here.

Co-worker- Yeah man, she hasn’t smiled all night til you showed up. I think she likes you man, bag that son.

And seeing as I make no motion to the counter to in order to bagged, he kinda keeps talking some kind of drunk spanglish.  Then he finally gives up. Thank Jesus.

Creeper #2- Imma come back for her maaaaaan. I have to. I gotta come back for this girl man. I’m coming back.

He shakes with my co-worker before leaving and my co-worker is just have a grand ol’ time with this.

Co-worker- Yo, Drea you be breaking hearts man. Why didn’t you get his number? He wanted to be your boyfriend.

Me- I’m really good. And he’s so drunk he won’t even remember me tomorrow.

Co-worker- Yeah, true, he said he was going to work.

Me- Fucked up like that? At 4 am? Damn man.

Manager- I gave him his food and he said something to me. I think he asked where you where and I just gave him the death stare and gave him his food.

Me- Well at least you tried.

Sooooo, now I’m def gunna get murdered or kidnapped. Great.