Lately, I have not been sleeping well. Not sleeping well at all. Sometimes I can only get 5 hours of sleep, and then my body just naturally wakes up. Then I cannot go back to sleep until around 10 or 12, and then I take a nap. A nap that last til about 6 pm. I really really really fucking hate the schedule my body is on right now. I hope I can fix it and it will change. No matter how much I drink, or porn I watch to help me knock out, I still wake up. It’s like I’m not allowed. This has made me increasingly miserable at work. I am already miserable working there but it has gotten worse. I am sleeping through meals, or the schedule my body is on is not for this part of the globe. So I am hungry at different times and often starving. I really hate how punishing this is for my body. Especially at work since we can’t sit down. A lot of the times I feel my head spinning and I have been drinking more pills lately.
I have been late to work because of this as well. My bed time seems to be at 3 in the afternoon and that’s usually when I work. Sometimes I won’t sleep at all. Come home and the whole song and dance will start all over again. Last night I actually got some sleep because since Friday, I think I’ve gotten about 10 hours of sleep. Last night my body was happy to die for the night. But weirdly enough I was very exhausted this afternoon and proceeded to take a nap from 6-10. I really hate when I sleep through the day like this. But my body is desperate. Also, I think my allergies are coming and it has made me really drowsy. And who knows, maybe this will be the best sleep I get all week so I’m going to enjoy it.
All of this has really made me want to move half way across the world. I always had, always wanted to travel, travel minded as always. But lately Australia really has been on my mind. I always wanted to go but I think I’m serious now. They have a work abroad program, and I really want to do it. I think I need to experience a place other than here, other than New York. I need to be away from my parents away from my shitty job and just be somewhere nice. I want to have fun and even if all I do there is drink by myself and see the Great Barrier Reef, I shall be set. And I would looooove to catch me some Australian goodness (the men, hot Aussie men). I just wanna make out. Can we just make out please? Who knows, maybe I’ll learn how to swim. And maybe I can actually get some sleep because my internal clock seems to be on that schedule already.
And another reason I just want to drop off to the other side is to get away from my scary dreams. Not like that would really work. The other day I tried everything to help me get to sleep and nothing was working. So finally I was just like we are sleeping and that’s it! Then my somniphobia decided to kick in and I honestly felt like I was having a panic attack. My stomach was in knots, I wanted to throw up, and it felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown and cry at any moment. After awhile of this, I somehow drifted to sleep. Then the dreams started. You ever have those dreams that felt completely real? You can feel everything that’s happening to you? Well this was one of those for sure.
The first dream, I was at a friend’s house. And for some reason I had to hide from his room-mate. I have no clue why because I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. Nothing would happen to me. But I don’t know I was scared and hid behind the door. I could feel my heart pounding and the panic growing as he approached the room. I could see his shadow grow in the light of the doorway as he was coming into the room.
And then that dream was over and we move onto the next. I was in my bed like I really was in reality. My mom came into my room was trying to wake me up. And, I don’t know, it was weird. She was just standing there looming over me. I could feel my heart pounding and her eyes boring into me, judging me. She’s always judging me.
Then onto the last dream. I was still in my bed like I was in actuality, and I could feel someone shake me. But like really focusing on the side of my ribs. I sleep on my side. I thought it was my dad trying to wake me up, which would mean there’d be an emergency because he would never do that. Then it started to hurt. It was really felt like it could bruise the way they were prodding my side, and I could really feel it. I felt how comfortable I was getting. Then I felt a body come next to me in the bed. They put one leg over mine and I couldn’t move. I felt uncomfortable and stuck. And I thought maybe my brother had come home to visit from the Marines, and that was what all the commotion was that I thought I heard downstairs. Then I try to say my brother’s name, and I realized I couldn’t breathe, because I was in a headlock. The person had me immobilized. I tried to scratch at their arm to let go, something, but it did nothing. I tried clawing at their face, and nothing. And I felt it, I felt clawing at their face and my panic. I desperately wanted to know who it was and I kept trying to talk but couldn’t. And I could actually feel myself trying to talk, and I could barely get any words out. I couldn’t breathe. And I knew I was making it worse, but all I had wanted was to find out who this person was. It was so scary and I could feel my frustration because I couldn’t do anything or know who this person was. It felt so real. I could feel myself desperately gasping for air to talk, desperately dig into their arm and face as it did nothing. I never was so panicked.
I woke up extremely startled. If I ever had a reason to be afraid of sleep, this was definitely one of them. I honestly thought someone was in the bed next to me, I honestly thought I was choking and that I was going to die. I naturally couldn’t go back to sleep after that. I just stayed up and had a Gilmore Girls marathon. I had to. I needed something good and comforting in my life.
I think with all the stress, and pressure I feel weighing me down, I just really want to go. I want to leave and run away from here. Just let me go. I just can’t take it anymore. I need to get away from how much I hate my job, my life, my family, and the possible ghost/dream strangler I have following me around. And if he does follow me to Australia, maybe there’d be a really great guy there to beat him up for me. Maybe.
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